why i am the way i am

i am thoroughly convinced we are the way we are because of the situations in our lives and how we choose to deal with them

one of my mission companions wrote this paper on me for her english class.  i want you to read it.

One Tic At a Time
          “Rawr, hello. Testing one, two, three. Oh, you’re fine. Hello. Hello. Hello. We’re good.  Hello.  We’re good, right? Okay, we’re good.” I’d like to introduce you to Ali Mahterian­­ a beautiful Armenian twenty­two year old college student from Agoura Hills, California. She’s a whiz at accounting, enjoys eating chips with salsa, and she has Tourette's. Tourette’s Syndrome [TS] is a neuropsychiatric disorder involving involuntary tics. Tics are physical movements and vocal sounds that are uncontrollable, like a muscle spasm. Ali explains it this way, “You know when you sneeze, how that’s just an involuntary thing you do? I have different involuntary things that I do that are different from anybody else.” As she says this, her eyes roll back, her head cocks to the right and her nose scrunches in an uncomfortable position. She’s sitting in the corner of the school’s cafeteria on a busy afternoon next to other college students who are cramming for midterms and loading up on carbs. It looks like she’s distracted by every stranger who walks past and every sound she hears, but when her almond eyes happen to stay still for a moment, they look sincerely engaged in the conversation. She has just come from taking an accounting test, so her hair is thrown up in a crown bun and she’s wearing her favorite pair of sanuks-- ­­comfortable but always stylish.
          Due to popular culture, when you hear the word “Tourette’s,” you probably visualize a person swearing uncontrollably. However, only about 10% of people with Tourette's have this symptom­­called Coprolalia. Unfortunately, Ali happens to be part of the 10%.The European Journal of Neurology states, “Swearing tics can be one of the most distressing and socially impairing symptoms of TS.” Ali’s mom, Suzy, laments, “She has it at various times, like in college she had it. She called me one day and told me that she had cussed and some guy said ‘Seriously? You’re at a church school.’ and she said, ‘You think I can help this?’ People are idiots.”
          Dealing with this kind of reaction from others isn’t a new thing for Ali; symptoms started to surface during her fifth grade year. She began putting her hand up to her eyebrow repeatedly and flipping her hair back. Suzy said they were annoying mannerisms that caused her to ask Ali, “Could you just stop?” but she couldn’t. The doctors hesitated to diagnose her because, in Ali’s opinion, “sometimes when you put labels on things people get scared,” and according to The National Institute of Neurological Disorders, “TS is a diagnosis that doctors make after verifying that the patient has had both motor and vocal tics for at least one year.”  When Ali was finally diagnosed in sixth grade, Suzy felt disappointed because she knew it would be difficult for her daughter. On the other hand, Ali didn’t know any different. “Like, I mean when you’re in fifth grade and you start having these movements you don’t know any different. Does that make sense? Like you think in your mind, ‘This is normal, this is what people in fifth grade are supposed to be having,’ but they’re not.” Fortunately, Ali’s parents had a very positive mindset about it. “You know your kids are gonna have challenges, you just don’t know how they’ll present themselves. You don’t know how to prepare yourself for it. It was like, ‘okay, so this is it.’ I’ve always been very matter of fact about it. The mantra in our house is, ‘Everyone has something, you just can’t always see it.’”
          Everyone has something, but Ali’s something was very apparent. Bullying and social isolation became a problem in middle school. She remembers, “when you’re getting diagnosed with something that’s weird and people in middle school are idiots to begin with, and everybody’s super self conscious and ick, I mean, you feel weird. And I didn’t really like middle school at all.” Suzy recounts: "Middle school was horrific. She was really protective to not tell me things, but I knew there was more happening than what she’d say. She was a really good student but people were mean and she was a target. She was on medication that caused her to gain weight. You know, it’s the most vulnerable time of life and people took it out on her. It made themselves feel better...She had to survive. She developed an amazing ability to persevere through difficult times."
          These trying times in middle school forced Ali to accept this condition as part of her life. She says, “it was kind of bad, like people judging you, and being rude, and being jerks...and I mean, you’re gonna live with this for like the rest of your life, so you kind of have to accept it and you have to learn how to deal with it.”
          Something else that helped Ali deal with Tourette’s and accept herself was going to an all­girls Catholic high school. Ali’s parents made this decision together. “We couldn’t let her go to the public high school and crash and burn.” Ali shares how she reacted to their proposition, “My parents [were] like, “You need to go to this private high school,” and I [was] like, “I don’t wanna go!” and then I [was] like, ‘Why did I want to stay at a public high school with everybody who tortured me?’” So Ali was transferred to La Reina high school where she was loved and accepted by the students and faculty. Every year her class would go on a retreat and the girls would have an opportunity to share their life stories. Ali learned that each girl had something awful going on in her life like abuse, alcoholism, or death; even the beautiful and athletic girls had their own personal struggles. This authenticity created a strong bond between Ali and the other girls. Suzy remembers, “She was very beloved there in high school. I mean, they voted her prom queen because they loved her. She’s this kid who really struggled, and here she is the prom queen of her high school!” Certainly that wouldn’t have happened if she stayed at the public high school.
          During these years, Ali also met Cameron. “We used to call each other ‘Tourette’s buddies,’ that was always our thing...We met [at a church activity] and made the connection that we both had Tourette's, which was really cool because there was nobody else that I knew that had it. It was cool to relate in that way.” Cameron and Ali especially liked to empathize with each other about the variety of medicine they consumed. Ali jokes, “I’m probably one of the people who keeps pharmacists employed with the amount of meds I take. Rawr. Rawr.” But Cameron quickly realized that Ali’s case of TS was much more severe than his. “One of the biggest tics that she had a lot worse than me was the constant eye rolling. You know, trying to look with the corners of her eyes, or shifting her eyes to the right. She would do that a lot and sometimes people wouldn’t understand. When she met new people and the eye rolling would start, they would be like, ‘What the heck?’” But Tourette's challenges Ali in more ways than one. “During her Junior year, she couldn’t get up because her tics were so bad.” Suzy recalls, “She literally could not function because she was so uncomfortable. We just told her to stay in bed­­ so she slept for a week.” Repetitious muscle compressions can be extremely painful and exhausting, so the only option she has is to sleep. Ali explains that there are further complexities,“With Tourettes, you don’t just have Tourettes, you have OCD, ADHD, depression and anxiety, so like when I’m doing homework, it’s really hard to concentrate and focus. Like I attempted to do religion homework today for three hours and I didn’t get anything done.” In addition to homework taking longer, she also gets nervous about taking tests because she doesn’t want to disrupt other people. For this reason, She’ll take her tests in a separate room so she doesn’t have to worry that she’s bothering people.
          Even though TS is inconvenient for her, she’s more concerned about others than herself ­­she’s a true friend. Cameron discloses, “It was nice to talk to her and [I love] how positive and understanding she was. There were certain aspects of my life that I couldn’t even turn to my mom or dad to explain. But she would tell me, ‘You don’t even have to explain, I know exactly what you’re talking about, I’m there.’ ...That’s one big reason why I’m grateful for her.” Ali is someone you want around when you’re having a bad day because dealing with TS has blessed her with a compassionate character. Ali acknowledges, “I had learned empathy, and I learned sympathy and I learned like patience and I learned how to deal with difficult things.” Cameron believes that “Ali’s a classic example of ‘don’t judge a book by it’s cover,’” because her shifting eyes, random humming, and repetitious “rawr” tics don’t create the best first impression. Yet Ali is an example to many ­­a natural leader.
          “My mom would say I have learned to be resilient. And I think that’s probably, um, the greatest blessing that has come from this. I’ve learned to be resilient, and that...you can do it!” Suzy proudly exclaims, “She’s a hero. She’s an amazing kid. She gets things done...She’s learned that strength comes from adversity and that she is a stronger person because of the challenges she’s had.” Ali personifies this quote on her blog from Henry A. Kissinger, "Accept everything about yourself. I mean everything. You are you, and that is the beginning and the end. No apologies, no regrets." She truly does just that. Through social isolation in middle school and continued psychological challenges, Ali has become an inspiration. Elizabeth Kubler­Ross reflects, “The most beautiful people I’ve known are those who have known trials, have known struggles, have known loss, and have found their way out of the depths.” Tourette’s does not cripple Ali, rather she has used it to become an exquisitely beautiful individual. “People need to know that whether you suffer with anxiety or depression or OCD or ADHD or whatever, that you can be normal.” Better than normal, Ali Mahterian is remarkable.

why are YOU the way you are?

xoxo ollie pop