Thursday, November 20, 2014

i know

i feel as if i'm able to express myself more clearly through writing, as opposed to speaking.  those who know me know that i'm really fluent in 4 languages -- sarcasm, saying the right thing at the wrong time, saying the wrong thing at the wrong time, and english.

i am feeling very humbled today and want to express my testimony.

testimony (noun): personal beliefs and feelings of things one knows to be true, through personal experience and observations

i know that the Lord gives us challenges because he loves us.  i know he cares for us deeply and dearly, perfectly and tenderly.  i know life seems unfair at times-- this might be because of: personal trials/struggles; burdens placed upon us because of the careless acts of others, sometimes those we trusted at true friends; regret and remorse; or lack of understanding.  i know that if we trust in God we will realize that all that is wrong about life can be made right because of the Atonement of Jesus Christ.  the Atonement is the single most important event to ever occur on this earth.  the Atonement consisted of Jesus Christ suffering in the garden of Gethsemane, being nailed to the cross and breaking the bands of death, and being Resurrected, thus allowing us to one day live with our families forever.  the Atonement occurred because Jesus Christ loves you; he loves me.  and if you were the only person to ever live on the earth, Jesus Christ still would have died for you!  because he loves you THAT much!  isn't it incredible!?  i know that the way others treat us is a reflection of them, not us.  i know that no matter how many mistakes we have made, there is always a second chance.  and a third chance.  and a fourth chance.  and a 504,293rd chance.

one of my favorite scriptures can be found in the Book of Mormon, in the book of Ether.  in the 6th chapter we read about a group of people, the Jaredites, who are attempting to cross large bodies of water in order to get from one land to another.  up to this point we have read how they are crossing the water in these barges -- i imagine them to be like hallowed almonds  -- and how they have prepared for this journey and are going for it.  in verse 5 we read, "and it came to pass that the Lord God caused that there should be a furious wind blow upon the face of the waters."  yes, you read that correctly-- the Lord caused the winds to blow.  why would he do that?  doesn't he realize that this journey would be hard enough without nausea and seasickness?   what we read a few verses later is that it's BECAUSE of the furious winds that the barges are able to make it to the promised land!

we are studying symbolism in my religion class and this chapter is chalk full of symbols.  according to the doctrine of ali (aka my opinion), the wind = trials & the promised land = becoming the people God needs us to become.  IF it's because of the wind that the Jaredites were able to get to the promised land faster, THEN the trials we go through allow us to become the people God needs us to become.  it's all about God's timing-- not our own.  i know that to be true.

i know that sometimes we might reeeeallllllly want something and work uber hard and not get it.  we might wonder, "why isn't (fill in the blank) working out?  i've done everything i should be doing!  i'm doing (fill in the blank some more) and (fill in the blank with more accomplishments) and (fill in the blank) isn't happening.  does God not love me enough to give me what i want?"  oh, my friend, on the contrary, he loves you more than you think-- and sometimes when the fill-in-the-blank that you want doesn't happen, it's because God has better things in store for you.  i know this to be true.  i know that God already has everything planned out; if we will trust in him, and his timing, we will be the happiest.  isn't it amazing to know that God loves you enough to withhold (fill in the blank) because he knows something else will make you happier??

these are just a few of the things i know to be true.  i am especially thankful that in 15 days sister mahterian #2 will come home and the family will be 80% complete again -- thankfully sister mahterian #3 only has 12 months left :)

maybe the reason i'm writing is because i need to internalize my thoughts and feelings.  or maybe you can benefit from my observations and realizations.  whatever the reason, i hope you feel the love of God -- today and always :)


p.s. i love this place & these people.

Tuesday, November 18, 2014

writing is therapy

realization #1 -- writing is therapy
realization #2 -- this blog just so happens to be some of my random daily happenings that are slightly embarrassing and also so typical for my life
realization #3 -- i could probably make a lot of money in correlation with my awkwardness
realization #4 -- life is interesting
realization #5 --  i am interesting

okay guys.  i've had some realizations -- many more than listed.  i've realized that i'm not "normal" (we could have a whole other conversation on "what is normal?", but we'll save that for...never).  i'm not saying that to pity myself or anything of that sort; i'm really not normal.  my brain is wired differently than most people's brains.  and you know what?  i'm totally okay with that.

for example, my brain is wired very literally -- if you say you're going to do something, do it.  my brain is just wired to think that way.  my brain is also wired to think that everyone will keep promises and treat you with the utmost respect.  and when people don't do that, i get super confused and start to shut down. again, it's not a bad thing; it's just the way i am.  i am wired to give people the benefit of the doubt, as people have given me the benefit of the doubt for all of my life. 

i am writing this not necessarily to vent, but to get some of my thoughts out on the internet (for everyone to see, i might add) and to just have a break between my programming class and programming homework.   i originally wanted to watch Suits, this epic new tv show, but my computer isn't allowing that to happen.

writing is my therapy.  i am able to get my thoughts out, which in turn clears my head and allows me to think.   thinking is one of my favorite things to do.  my brain especially likes to think late at night when i should be sleeping or studying or reading my scriptures.  

sister mahterian #2 comes home in about 2 1/2 weeks.   i'm so excited.  i haven't told her about how excited i am for her to come home because my dad kept doing that to me and it wasn't greatly appreciated.  but that's okay.  missions are the greatest things to ever happen.  if you're reading this, you should go on a mission.  if you're not reading this, check out lds.org and contemplate going on a mission.  it will change your life, just has it has changed mine.  

wow.  this is really quite a random blurb of useless information.  i actually hope no one sees this because then they will think i'm ADD.  which actually happens to be very true.  speaking of ADD and squirrels, my friend was driving me hope from class last week and we were talking about ADD and as i was leaving his car he stopped mid-sentence and said, "squirrel!"  i thought he was making fun of my ADD but he then said, "look, there really is a squirrel."  some things in life are too ironic and timing is too perfect.

now go think about what ADD moments have happened in your life recently :)

xox ADD ollie


Monday, November 17, 2014

let's just keep dancing like we're in high school

yesterday was a large milestone in my life-- i turned 23.  it wasn't really a big deal and i'm happy to say that as you get older, birthdays become less of a party and more of a relaxing day where people help you out more than usual.

as i was sitting in church yesterday i chose to reflect back on my year of 22.  i realized that for 9 months of 22, i was in salt lake/wyoming serving as a missionary.  oh boy, do i miss that more than ever.  i reflected back to my birthday last year-- i was serving in salt lake by the U.  it decided to snow (utah didn't really take into consideration that i was a california girl and maybe didn't want to be showered in snow on my day of birth) and we went about our daily business.  we went from appointment to appointment, had wonderful teaching opportunities, and attempted to navigate emmigration canyon in our toyota corolla, which barely made it there and back.  

22 reasons i loved 22

(1) it was the year where i learned that selfless service truly allows you to be the happiest you've ever been.
(2) taylor swift has an epic song about being 22, which i listened to yesterday.  i also received the revelation-- she says, "we'll just keep dancing like we're 22", which makes me believe that she wrote this song about being 23+ and wants to go back to being 22.  i'll take it.
(3) i met some of my greatest, lifelong friends.
(4) 22 was the year both erika and julia went on missions-- all 3 mahterian girls were out for 3 months at the same time.  how's that for an unexpected miracle?  also, 18 days until sister mahterian the second comes home.  i'm quite excited.
(5) salt lake become my second home.
(6) wyoming tied salt lake for being my second home.
(7) i discovered the pie pizzaria -- gluten free/ dairy free pizza goodness :)
(8) general conference at the feet of the brethren?  yes.
(9) baptisms.  and conversions.  lots and lots of conversions.
(10) thusfar in my life, i think that 22 was my happiest year.
(11) i was reunited with mama suze and popsicle after 18 long months of separation -- if you don't count S stalking me at GC...
(12) "when ye are in the service of your fellow beings ye are only in the service of your God" (Mosiah 2:17) --> https://www.lds.org/scriptures/bofm/mosiah/2?lang=eng
(13) my best friend had a baby and i OFFICIALLY became aunt ali.
(14) i learned to love those i knew very little about.
(15) you know, i think i finally realized that i'm worth something.
(16) i also learned that how others treat you is a reflection of them, not you.
(17) i also learned that being yourself will allow you to make a bigger impact on people, as opposed to being fake and telling people what they want to hear.
(18) i love being me.
(19) oh, 22 was the year of the "rawr" tic.  can't really forget that.
(20) 22 was the year of loving others, being patient, growing immensely, and learning to just embrace the crazy that you are.
(21) true friends are those who you might not see forever but when you are reunited with them it feels like no time has passed.
(22) ben folds & JJ both were graced by my presence at their concerts.  yessss

i really like lists.  i think it's the ocd in me

revelation time: that list won't really mean anything to anyone, but it meant something to me.  improvement and progression are 2 things we are desperately striving for in this life.  looking at this list and reflecting back on the year of 22, i realized that both improvement and progression occurred in my life and in the life of those individuals i was fortunate enough to meet.  guys, life is good and it's just going to get better.  but for now, let's go eat some birthday taquitos and keep dancing like we're in high school, okay?

 love, almost a quarter of a centry old ollie

Saturday, November 8, 2014

why i am the way i am

i am thoroughly convinced we are the way we are because of the situations in our lives and how we choose to deal with them

one of my mission companions wrote this paper on me for her english class.  i want you to read it.

One Tic At a Time
          “Rawr, hello. Testing one, two, three. Oh, you’re fine. Hello. Hello. Hello. We’re good.  Hello.  We’re good, right? Okay, we’re good.” I’d like to introduce you to Ali Mahterian­­ a beautiful Armenian twenty­two year old college student from Agoura Hills, California. She’s a whiz at accounting, enjoys eating chips with salsa, and she has Tourette's. Tourette’s Syndrome [TS] is a neuropsychiatric disorder involving involuntary tics. Tics are physical movements and vocal sounds that are uncontrollable, like a muscle spasm. Ali explains it this way, “You know when you sneeze, how that’s just an involuntary thing you do? I have different involuntary things that I do that are different from anybody else.” As she says this, her eyes roll back, her head cocks to the right and her nose scrunches in an uncomfortable position. She’s sitting in the corner of the school’s cafeteria on a busy afternoon next to other college students who are cramming for midterms and loading up on carbs. It looks like she’s distracted by every stranger who walks past and every sound she hears, but when her almond eyes happen to stay still for a moment, they look sincerely engaged in the conversation. She has just come from taking an accounting test, so her hair is thrown up in a crown bun and she’s wearing her favorite pair of sanuks-- ­­comfortable but always stylish.
          Due to popular culture, when you hear the word “Tourette’s,” you probably visualize a person swearing uncontrollably. However, only about 10% of people with Tourette's have this symptom­­called Coprolalia. Unfortunately, Ali happens to be part of the 10%.The European Journal of Neurology states, “Swearing tics can be one of the most distressing and socially impairing symptoms of TS.” Ali’s mom, Suzy, laments, “She has it at various times, like in college she had it. She called me one day and told me that she had cussed and some guy said ‘Seriously? You’re at a church school.’ and she said, ‘You think I can help this?’ People are idiots.”
          Dealing with this kind of reaction from others isn’t a new thing for Ali; symptoms started to surface during her fifth grade year. She began putting her hand up to her eyebrow repeatedly and flipping her hair back. Suzy said they were annoying mannerisms that caused her to ask Ali, “Could you just stop?” but she couldn’t. The doctors hesitated to diagnose her because, in Ali’s opinion, “sometimes when you put labels on things people get scared,” and according to The National Institute of Neurological Disorders, “TS is a diagnosis that doctors make after verifying that the patient has had both motor and vocal tics for at least one year.”  When Ali was finally diagnosed in sixth grade, Suzy felt disappointed because she knew it would be difficult for her daughter. On the other hand, Ali didn’t know any different. “Like, I mean when you’re in fifth grade and you start having these movements you don’t know any different. Does that make sense? Like you think in your mind, ‘This is normal, this is what people in fifth grade are supposed to be having,’ but they’re not.” Fortunately, Ali’s parents had a very positive mindset about it. “You know your kids are gonna have challenges, you just don’t know how they’ll present themselves. You don’t know how to prepare yourself for it. It was like, ‘okay, so this is it.’ I’ve always been very matter of fact about it. The mantra in our house is, ‘Everyone has something, you just can’t always see it.’”
          Everyone has something, but Ali’s something was very apparent. Bullying and social isolation became a problem in middle school. She remembers, “when you’re getting diagnosed with something that’s weird and people in middle school are idiots to begin with, and everybody’s super self conscious and ick, I mean, you feel weird. And I didn’t really like middle school at all.” Suzy recounts: "Middle school was horrific. She was really protective to not tell me things, but I knew there was more happening than what she’d say. She was a really good student but people were mean and she was a target. She was on medication that caused her to gain weight. You know, it’s the most vulnerable time of life and people took it out on her. It made themselves feel better...She had to survive. She developed an amazing ability to persevere through difficult times."
          These trying times in middle school forced Ali to accept this condition as part of her life. She says, “it was kind of bad, like people judging you, and being rude, and being jerks...and I mean, you’re gonna live with this for like the rest of your life, so you kind of have to accept it and you have to learn how to deal with it.”
          Something else that helped Ali deal with Tourette’s and accept herself was going to an all­girls Catholic high school. Ali’s parents made this decision together. “We couldn’t let her go to the public high school and crash and burn.” Ali shares how she reacted to their proposition, “My parents [were] like, “You need to go to this private high school,” and I [was] like, “I don’t wanna go!” and then I [was] like, ‘Why did I want to stay at a public high school with everybody who tortured me?’” So Ali was transferred to La Reina high school where she was loved and accepted by the students and faculty. Every year her class would go on a retreat and the girls would have an opportunity to share their life stories. Ali learned that each girl had something awful going on in her life like abuse, alcoholism, or death; even the beautiful and athletic girls had their own personal struggles. This authenticity created a strong bond between Ali and the other girls. Suzy remembers, “She was very beloved there in high school. I mean, they voted her prom queen because they loved her. She’s this kid who really struggled, and here she is the prom queen of her high school!” Certainly that wouldn’t have happened if she stayed at the public high school.
          During these years, Ali also met Cameron. “We used to call each other ‘Tourette’s buddies,’ that was always our thing...We met [at a church activity] and made the connection that we both had Tourette's, which was really cool because there was nobody else that I knew that had it. It was cool to relate in that way.” Cameron and Ali especially liked to empathize with each other about the variety of medicine they consumed. Ali jokes, “I’m probably one of the people who keeps pharmacists employed with the amount of meds I take. Rawr. Rawr.” But Cameron quickly realized that Ali’s case of TS was much more severe than his. “One of the biggest tics that she had a lot worse than me was the constant eye rolling. You know, trying to look with the corners of her eyes, or shifting her eyes to the right. She would do that a lot and sometimes people wouldn’t understand. When she met new people and the eye rolling would start, they would be like, ‘What the heck?’” But Tourette's challenges Ali in more ways than one. “During her Junior year, she couldn’t get up because her tics were so bad.” Suzy recalls, “She literally could not function because she was so uncomfortable. We just told her to stay in bed­­ so she slept for a week.” Repetitious muscle compressions can be extremely painful and exhausting, so the only option she has is to sleep. Ali explains that there are further complexities,“With Tourettes, you don’t just have Tourettes, you have OCD, ADHD, depression and anxiety, so like when I’m doing homework, it’s really hard to concentrate and focus. Like I attempted to do religion homework today for three hours and I didn’t get anything done.” In addition to homework taking longer, she also gets nervous about taking tests because she doesn’t want to disrupt other people. For this reason, She’ll take her tests in a separate room so she doesn’t have to worry that she’s bothering people.
          Even though TS is inconvenient for her, she’s more concerned about others than herself ­­she’s a true friend. Cameron discloses, “It was nice to talk to her and [I love] how positive and understanding she was. There were certain aspects of my life that I couldn’t even turn to my mom or dad to explain. But she would tell me, ‘You don’t even have to explain, I know exactly what you’re talking about, I’m there.’ ...That’s one big reason why I’m grateful for her.” Ali is someone you want around when you’re having a bad day because dealing with TS has blessed her with a compassionate character. Ali acknowledges, “I had learned empathy, and I learned sympathy and I learned like patience and I learned how to deal with difficult things.” Cameron believes that “Ali’s a classic example of ‘don’t judge a book by it’s cover,’” because her shifting eyes, random humming, and repetitious “rawr” tics don’t create the best first impression. Yet Ali is an example to many ­­a natural leader.
          “My mom would say I have learned to be resilient. And I think that’s probably, um, the greatest blessing that has come from this. I’ve learned to be resilient, and that...you can do it!” Suzy proudly exclaims, “She’s a hero. She’s an amazing kid. She gets things done...She’s learned that strength comes from adversity and that she is a stronger person because of the challenges she’s had.” Ali personifies this quote on her blog from Henry A. Kissinger, "Accept everything about yourself. I mean everything. You are you, and that is the beginning and the end. No apologies, no regrets." She truly does just that. Through social isolation in middle school and continued psychological challenges, Ali has become an inspiration. Elizabeth Kubler­Ross reflects, “The most beautiful people I’ve known are those who have known trials, have known struggles, have known loss, and have found their way out of the depths.” Tourette’s does not cripple Ali, rather she has used it to become an exquisitely beautiful individual. “People need to know that whether you suffer with anxiety or depression or OCD or ADHD or whatever, that you can be normal.” Better than normal, Ali Mahterian is remarkable.

why are YOU the way you are?

xoxo ollie pop